bittersweet findings
by go forth
Summary: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. slight BeckTori.


**rated t for some dark themes and bad-ass language.**

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tori vega vignettes

/

"Tori?"

She removes two manicured fingers from her mouth and stands at the sound of a voice, creating distance between her and the toilet bowl. She recognizes the voice instantly and figures she better go talk to him before he breaks the door down (which, for him, wouldn't be entirely unheard of). As she exits the small bathroom she's been in for a while, all she can think is, _So close, so very, very close._

He's got a smile on his face when she first looks at him but she can see the concern hidden in his eyes. She fakes a brilliant smile (after years of practice she's got it down) and creates an assurance that everything is fine. Because, why wouldn't it be?

"You were in there for a while. I was starting to get worried."

She misses the creeping pinkness in his cheeks as she responds with that sugarcoated voice of hers.

"Oh, just checking up on my makeup and all that stuff. Come on, let's get back to lunch."

She starts to pull on him before he can ask any more questions (or possibly start to figure out that maybe she might be lying?). She tries not to think about how he came to find her, ten minutes after she said she had to use the bathroom, but it's hard.

/

_It's just a game,_ she tells herself over and over as she takes a sip from her perfectly red plastic cup.

They're playing Never Have I Ever, a trivial game usually played by fourteen year olds, because they're bored and there's nothing else to do. She just got sniped with another confession, this time being a lovely 'Never have I ever had an older sister' from her good pal Jade, and she can't help but fear that she's being ganged up on.

"Never have I ever," André starts, thinking of something that will get everybody, "Umm… Played someone who has an eating disorder."

Her pulse speeds to about ten miles an hour because _ohmygod ohmygod did he just say that?_ And even though it's not technically saying, 'Tori Vega has an eating disorder!' it still makes her cheeks burn. She watches as practically all of the others take a sip and prays to Whoever Is Up There they don't suspect anything.

"Tori," Someone says expectantly.

"What? I don't have an eating disorder!" She half-screams, half-pleads.

They all stare at her like she's from another world and she can't but think that well, she might as well be.

"I know, but didn't you play a girl who had one in that exercise we did last week?" It's Cat who finally speaks up, her voice a little meek from the outburst.

She visibly relaxes and takes another small sip. "Right, I knew that. Oh, it's my turn now, right? Okay, never have I ever…" And the game continues and all is forgotten, though she can't shake the feeling that someone's watching her, and Beck can't shake the feeling that something's up with Tori.

/

She isn't satisfied with the numbers yet.

It's been two fucking months and she still doesn't see any progress.

_Alright, more workouts at the gym, less trips to Starbucks with Cat,_ she thinks.

/

She doesn't collapse until six weeks after that.

It's around Christmas time and her workouts are more vigorous than ever, but she's finally seeing the results she wants.

She knows she should regret something, anything, and she knows she should stop this unhealthy obsession, but she can't. Not now. Not when she has more auditions coming up and Cat is still a size zero.

When she awakes from her collapse, she's in a cold hospital room with a TV perched against a wall and a dark-skinned boy sleeping in a chair beside her. He looks uncomfortable but she can't tell what from, exactly. She reaches over, quickly realizing just how weak she is at this moment, and taps him lightly. He jolts awake and the reaction frightens her, so she leans back into the bed. "Sorry," She whispers, "Didn't mean to wake you." _Didn't mean for you to notice is more like it._

He shakes his head in protest. "I wasn't sleeping, just resting my eyes." There's something about the way his voice sounds that tells her otherwise, but she's too weak to argue and they both know it.

"Good, good."

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he speaks.

"I know, Tori."

She knows what he's talking about right away. How could she not? It's not like she can lie to him. Not here, not now. She doesn't know what to say, though, so she stays silent and stares at the needles attached to her arms.

"Why?"

The word stings her ears and she cringes on impact. It's the one thing she was running away from the most: the why.

What is she supposed to tell him? That she's weak? That she likes the look of her body now? That's she's too fucking insecure to stop? No, he wouldn't understand. He's perfect.

"Because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

/

It takes a few more months after that, but she eventually gets better.

He gives all that he has to make her eat. He insists on accompanying her to the bathroom (which doesn't go over to well). He calls her regularly to check up on her, making her tell him what she ate that day in detail. He calls Trina to make sure she isn't lying to him. He tries to very very hard to get her back to normal, to the Tori he once knew.

She finds him to be a nuisance most of the time, but she knows he's only trying to help. And he is, in a way. She just hates it. She hates that she can't look at food the same way and she hates that he's making her gain weight and she hates that she misses the burn in her throat – the one she would get after forcing herself to throw up. And she hates, hateshates_hates_, how dependent she's become on him.

She doesn't know what she'll do if he stops caring.

She fears that she'll start again, start skipping meals and gagging herself, and she'll become so thin that eventually she'll disappear into the universe, lost in her mistakes, and no one will care or remember her.

The whole point of becoming skinny was to get noticed, and she's worked too hard to let that all go.

/

He knows she'll be okay.

He has faith in her. Always has, always will. He knows how strong she is. He knows she's prettier this way; better this way. He knows that one day this will all be behind her. He just doesn't know if she knows it.

Because sometimes, when he's thinking about her and all that's she become, he thinks back to that day in the hospital when he found out and the haunting, bitter words she spoke.

/

"_Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."_

/


End file.
